it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
