All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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