Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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