He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
