I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
