tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
