I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
