my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
