She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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