2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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