i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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