I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
