90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize