So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
