the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
