I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
