Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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