oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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