This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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