I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Boobs are out for the taking
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
