I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize