I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize