If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
