I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
