she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
