never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
