I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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