hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
