This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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