he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
