this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
