White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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