I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
