Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
