I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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