You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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