Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
