I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
