WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
