I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think i peed on brittanys purse
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize