I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
