Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
