you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
