he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
