she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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