And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
