My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Randomize