If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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