We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
