i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
