I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
