now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
