Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
