Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize