i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
