So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
