In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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